That time of the year is upon us again, the time only truly enjoyed by local chamber of commerces, NCAA brass, and compulsive gamblers. Yes it’s time for the College bowl season, a slate of 34 meaningless exposition games and one meaningful national championship match. To help plan your next five weeks (yes five) of college football watching, here’s your (un)edumacated guide to the bowl season. All games on ESPN unless noted and all times Eastern.
New Mexico Bowl | BYU (6-6) v. UTEP (6-6) | Dec. 18 | 2:00 PM
Is this the same BYU that ESPN just signed to some multi-million dollar television contract? I guess they have the money and it fits their scheme to get all of college football on the network. Cougs.
Humanitarian Bowl | Northern Illinois (10-3) v. Fresno St. (8-4) | Dec. 18 | 5:30 PM
There’s nothing humane about losing a MAC championship no one watched and then having to play in Boise. It’s like agreeing to play in the ninth level of hell for money. Whores. Northern Illinois over the Walrus.
New Orleans Bowl | Ohio (8-4) v. Troy (7-5) | Dec. 18 | 9:00 PM
Had to look up where Troy was from. There’s from Alabama. Which has to suck when the in-state cousins keep managing to do important stuff. Small steps I guess. Bobcats.
Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl St. Petersburg | Southern Miss (8-4) v. Louisville (6-6) | Dec. 21 | 8:00 PM
ESPN lists this as the Beef ‘O’ Brady Bowl St. Petersburg Bowl. Either way Southern Miss rolls while the rest of us get drunk at a Beef ‘O’ Brady’s.
Las Vegas Bowl | Utah (10-2) v. Boise St. (11-1) | Dec. 22 | 8:00 PM
Look on the bright side Boise, you may not be in the BCS but you can take your Las Vegas Bowl winnings and head down to the MGM Grand and probably triple what you’d get from the BCS.
Poinsettia Bowl | Navy (8-3) v. San Diego St. (8-4) | Dec. 23 | 8:00 PM
I got nothing. Navy.
Hawaii Bowl | Hawaii (10-3) v. Tulsa (9-3) | Dec. 24 | 8:00 PM
This bowl has to have been created solely to give Hawaii a home bowl game because we all know what happens when they travel off the island to play. Going with the homer pick, Tulsa.
Little Caesar’s Bowl | FIU (6-6) v. Toledo (8-4) | Dec. 26 | 8:30 PM
Who says Detroit always gets the raw end of the deal? They’ve got a rebounding city and the clear highlight of the bowl season. I’m sure the stands will be packed for this one. Toledo.
Independence Bowl | Air Force (8-4) v. Georgia Tech (6-6) | Dec. 27 | 5:00 PM | ESPN2
Lee Corso should be forced to call this one because he’ll be able to pull out his NCAA Football commentary “Ohhh…The Option!” for every play. Falcons.
Champs Sports Bowl | West Virginia (9-3) v. NC State (8-4) | Dec. 28 | 6:30 PM
West Virginia gets stuck here, ranked and with a better record than Uconn. Serves them right. Wolfpack.
Insight Bowl | Missouri (10-2) v. Iowa (7-5) | Dec. 28 | 10:00 PM
At least the bowl isn’t on the NFL Network this year. Missouri over patriotic Ricky Stanzi.
Military Bowl | East Carolina (6-6) v. Maryland (8-4) | Dec. 29 | 2:30 PM
What kind of pirate wears purple (besides gay ones)? East Carolina. Maryland rolls and Ralph Friedgen gets to go to Chuck E. Cheese’s afterwards.
Texas Bowl | Illinois (6-6) v. Baylor (7-5) | Dec. 29 | 6:00 PM
At one point during the season Baylor was leading the Big 12 South. Then they got rolled by Oklahoma St and Oklahoma. At least they beat Texas. Baylor.
Alamo Bowl | Oklahoma St (10-2) v. Arizona (7-5) | Dec. 29 | 9:15 PM
Mike Gundy and the ‘Pokes lost out in their first battle with the Stoops family. They’ll win the second one over the free falling Wildcats.
Armed Forces Bowl | Army (6-5) v. SMU (7-6) | Dec. 30 | 12:00 PM
The only reason the ponies are here is because they beat Tulsa early in the season when the team wasn’t all there. As a reward for that and for losing the Conference USA title game they get a home game. Damn Methodists. Black Knights.
Pinstripe Bowl | Kansas St. (7-5) v. Syracuse (7-5) | Dec. 30 | 3:20 PM
Who are we kidding about this one? Cliff Lee will be picking out his jersey number in the front office while 100 fans sit around in the stands watching this one. For those fans, Kansas St.
Music City Bowl | UNC (7-5) v. Tennessee (6-6) | Dec. 30 | 6:40 PM
The ten year old in side of me cried when it saw this was no longer the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl. Hehe, Gaylord. Dinner at Bruce Pearl’s house after the loss. I hear he makes really good comfort food.
Holiday Bowl | Nebraska (10-3) v. Washington (6-6) | Dec. 30 | 10:00 PM
Nice door prize for the Huskers as they leave the Big 12. They rolled over Washington earlier in the season, but that was when Martinez could play. Huskers.
Meineke Car Care Bowl | South Florida (7-5) v. Clemson (6-6) | Dec. 31 | 12:00 PM
This remains me, my car needs an oil change. Clemson.
Sun Bowl | Notre Dame (7-5) v. Miami (FL) (7-5) | Dec. 31 | 2:00 PM | CBS
Fightin’ Irish if they don’t spend too much time with Jose Cuervo.
Liberty Bowl | Central Florida (10-3) v. Georgia (6-6) | Dec. 31 | 3:30 PM
Fun fact: The Liberty Bowl was first played in Philly, then moved to Atlantic City where it basically operated as arena football for a season and then moved to Memphis. Other fun fact, Georgia made it to a bowl. George O’Leery and the Knights.
Chick Fil-A Bowl | South Carolina (9-4) v. Florida St. (9-4) | Dec. 31 | 7:30 PM
For all the talk about South Carolina this season this looks like just another four loss season for the team. Cocks.
TicketCity Bowl | Northwestern (7-5) v. Texas Tech (7-5) | Jan. 1 | 12:00 PM | ESPNU
Tuberville has to be pissed about Auburn. After all he leaves and two years later he’s stuck playing in the Cotton Bowl. Not the Cotton Bowl Bowl, just at Cotton Bowl. Tech.
Outback Bowl | Florida (7-5) v. Penn State (7-5) | Jan. 1 | 1:00 PM | ABC
Joe Paterno is such a nice old man. I could also go for a blooming onion. Eh, Florida.
Capital One Bowl | Alabama (9-3) v. Michigan St. (11-1) | Jan. 1 | 1:00 PM
This use to be the Tangerine Bowl and now it’s named for some company that sends me piles of junk mail. I hope Cincinnati’s mascot wins the mascot challenge, should help with his legal fees. Tide.
Gator Bowl | Miss State (8-4) v. Michigan (7-5) | Jan. 1 | 1:30 PM | ESPN2
A win in this is going to save Rich Rod’s career? Jeez that’s some low standards. Miss State and mercifully end Rich Rod’s Michigan career.
Rose Bowl | Wisconsin (11-1) v. TCU (12-0) | Jan. 1 | 5:00 PM
I hope they don’t bring Keith Jackson out of the crypt to call this one. Wisconsin opens up on TCU.
Fiesta Bowl | UConn (8-4) v. Oklahoma (11-2) | Jan. 1 | 8:30 PM
Remember when Boise State came in and no one gave them a chance and they did something bad to Oklahoma? Remember when West Virginia, newly divorced from Rich Rod, came in and also did something bad? Well UConn isn’t going to do that. OU gets their first BCS win since 2000.
Orange Bowl | Stanford (11-1) v. Virginia Tech (11-2) | Jan. 3 | 8:30 PM
How is it that the Hokies managed to lose to James Madison and still end up in a semi-worthwhile bowl? Andrew Luck and the tree roll.
Sugar Bowl | Ohio St. (11-1) v. Arkansas (10-2) | Jan. 4 | 8:30 PM
Remember when we were talking about Pryor being a shoe in for the Heisman? Good times. Hogs.
GoDaddy.com Bowl | Middle Tennessee (6-6) v. Miami (OH) (9-4) | Jan. 6 | 8:00 PM
Congratulations Miami (of Ohio) you won the MAC Championship and a ticket to Mobile, Alabama. Still beats Boise. Redhawks.
Cotton Bowl | LSU (10-2) v. Texas A&M (9-3) | Jan. 7 | 8:00 PM | Fox
Les Miles will need to import his own grass seeing as how the Cotton Bowl won’t be at the Cotton Bowl. Tigers.
BBVA Compass Bowl | Pittsburgh (7-5) v. Kentucky (6-6) | Jan. 8 | 12:00 PM
Pitt could have gone to the Fiesta Bowl had they just won again West Virginia. Instead they get Alabama. Dion Lewis is pretty good. Pitt.
Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl | Nevada (12-1) v. Boston College (7-5) | Jan. 9 | 9:00 PM
Can I talk bad about a bowl that has a team that beat Boise, a player who survived cancer and a name that will supposedly fight hunger? Nope. Nevada.
BCS National Championship Game | Oregon (12-0) v. Auburn (13-0) | Jan. 10 | 8:30 PM
We’re finally here. The only freaking game in this whole post that actually matters for anything. It’s the metrosexual, coffee drinking hippies versus Cam Newton, and Cam isn’t going to care one bit about the game. After all his father will be finalizing his signing bonus with the Bills by this time. Was that laptop worth it Jeremiah? Did you learn a lesson?
So there we go folks. A full slate of action packed and lovely games to amuse you through the rest of the holiday season. Be careful, watch the eggnog, and try not to shoot the TV at any point.